There's no need for turning back
For all roads lead to where I stand
And I believe I've walked them all
No matter what I may have planned...
We live between conflicts. We are our conflicts. Choices that determine the person we are. Critical, hair-tearing, wool-shearing choices. Weighing of pros against cons. Intuitions. Or the lack of them. And then a choice is made. A choice we know will change our lives for ever. Every choice we've made was an irreversible shift towards the person we are today.
The pangs of the clustered could-have-beens. What-ifs? I-wish-I-hadn'ts. And nightmares of what-will-I-be thinking-of. Fear of the imminent fear. And fear of the fear of the imminent fear. And the carousel swirls around. Slowly. Rising. Falling. Going round. In circles.
When one day, you wake up to see that you have been living your nightmare. That it wasn't really what you thought it was. That nothing really matters. That nothing could really matter much.
There always was only one choice. The one that you chose. Now wait a minute. That means you never had a choice. You had to be what you are. All the other possible alternatives that you thought were, weren't. All the things you believed you could have been couldn't really have been. You merely had illusions of choices. Illusions that are the mother of all our conflicts. All dilemmas. Of all regrets.
Now that's interesting! So, what about all those nights when you scratched your head till the dandruff flakes were all over the place? See?
In this new light, when I come to think of decisions in life, it is a lot less taxing for me. Because I know that I have no choice but to choose the one I will. That all possibilities (except the one that will be) are impossibilties. That does mean you no longer seem to have the power that you believed you had on your life. But it takes away a lot of responsibilities (Yay, I love spiderman movies turned upside down).
Does it mean I believe in destiny? No. Because when you realise that you really can't be convicted for your choices, you can begin to enjoy your life as much as you want(and not as much as you are destined to enjoy, that is).
May I draw an analogy here(I am just being polite.Of course I will. This is MY frigging blog!). I always love band performances better than band competitions. When you are playing for a stage show, you know there is nothing you can win or lose here. So you really lose all your inhibitions and start giving it your best. Living in the moment. Absorbing the madness of the crowd all around you. Trying to give them back more than they would expect. Try to overwhelm them. And the joy of giving all you have without ever expecting anything back is immense. Of course you love it when the crowd starts singing along. But your action itself is its reward here. And everything else is bonus. All the more sweeter because you never expected it in the first place.
When we accept things for what they are, instead of trying to see what they could have been or can be, we free ourselves of all expectations. And start seeing the beauty in them. Start getting suprised by everything around us. It brings back the element of awe that we had once as a child.
Dear Leonard, to look life in the face, always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last, to know it, to love it, for what it is and then to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years, always the love. Always the hours...