Saturday, October 06, 2007

Use your Illusions

A few things I have been pondering on for quite some time:

1) What makes You? Is it the things you do, or is it the people you love(and the kind of people they are, the things they do)? What speaks for the person you are? The choices you make in your life? Or the choices the people you choose make in their lives? Can you completely love somebody who you don't identify with?

I somehow have a feeling that your choice of company shows the real You. This of course applies only for the people who are not pretending fools/wannabes. You are with someone because you feel at home with him/her. Right?

2) It's difficult to speak your mind these days, with people throwing such unspeakable allegations at you as calling you 'immature'.( It goes, 'See? You are being immature. You cannot handle me!') I would not mind being faced with a counter opinion or even shouted at or kicked, for that matter. But, suddenly faced with being called immature, I find myself at a loss.

I understand it's impossible to tell even your closest friends exactly what you think of them. We all, at every point of our life, choose to ignore facts, incidents, misgivings, to make way for a greater good and to be able to think of certain people as our best friends, lovers, etc. The moment any thought of such consequence as may harm our long-formed opinion (positive or otherwise) of a person appears, we shove it aside, almost like a piece of underwear, when an outsider suddenly chooses to enter our room. At that very moment I split. Between a me who is an Insider. Who knows. And a me who is an Outsider. Who(the Insider thinks) doesn't know. At that moment we lie. To each other. Such lies, I tell you.

Such lies pile up. In blocks. In bricks. And form the Wall. The Divide between me, and me. Between Us. We may think of this wall as the Elemental Wall. The very Building Blocks for all Divides around us. The Wall between two people is two walls thick. The personal walls of the two individuals. Strong walls still. Only thicker.

The walls grow higher, thicker. Everyday. And you keep lying. You laugh over two cappuccinos.

-'What wall?', you say.

No make that a cappuccino. Plain. No added nothing. No thank you. And a mango frappe. No no. No added ice cream. Yes. Thank you.

And then one day you can see no more of the other person. You don't see him/her at all. But you still pretend you don't see( that you don't see ,that is). How long?

I am sorry if I sound world-weary and stuff. I can't help it. How can I go on living with such lies. Again, I really don't see how I could ever live without these lies. It drives me crazy!

One solution, which seems to work somewhat, is to know the lies to be lies and use them to your end. And stick to the minimum. That amounts to a sprinkle here and there of hypocrisy; but being totally aware of it. Still, very often I tend to mix things up.

I guess I will learn with time.